- Yes, Cocker, that's mine. My turn. - CheIIe, hi. You OK?
You dirty fucker! I never want to see your tiny, twatty cock ever again.
What's up, Nips?
Hey, hey, come on, CheIIe.
I was waiting for you teII me. Time's up, you wanker!
Jesus, what have you done this time?
- Sid? - I dunno.
Oh, Christ's sake!
I must say, she is a fiery one.
Tone, shouIdn't you, you know, go after her?
She'II come back.
(JaI) MicheIIe! CheIIe, what happened? >
Never mind!
''Never mind''?
Did he screw someone again?
Again?
I tried to teII you, CheIIe.
About who?
- But you never wanna hear it. - About who, for Christ's sakes?!
Jenny, Maggs, KeIIy, White Justine, BIack Justine,
buck teeth from the geography trip, posh kid from the choir...
AbigaiI?
AbigaiI Stock?
He promised he hadn't. Why didn't you teII me?
You're supposed to be my friend.
CheIIe, I tried. I didn't wanna...
It's just Tony, right?
Did you do him?
What? Don't be so stupid, MicheIIe.
I bet you wanted to fuck him.
Cheers, JaI. That's what friends are for, yeah(?)
Whatever, CheIIe.
CheIIe?
Go away.
PIease don't teII anyone. Everyone wiII think...
Think what, Max?
That you're a dirty IittIe sIut who fucks around with other peopIe's boyfriends?
I'm sorry. I don't know what happened. He just... It was nothing.
Can't we just pretend it didn't happen? Yeah?
Go away.
MOBILE RINGS
Hi.
You mustn't caII me, OK?
Yes, that was IoveIy,
but we just can't.
You want to what?
Oh...
Oh, God.
You're not even going to see that again, never mind Iick it!
Now Iisten to me, OK? It's over.
Over and...
Oh, Christ!
Drink?
No! God, MicheIIe.
Who were you taIking to?
Nobody.
MOBILE RINGS
I'm gonna be sick.
Oh, um...
- I feeI better. - Good.
MOBILE RINGS
You going to teII me what's happened?
PossibIy Tony?
SHE SOBS
Listen, I'm sure you can work it out.
Oh, God, I Iove him so much!
And I made him go away.
MOBILE RINGS
Look... He's so IoveIy.
Speak to him. AIways best to taIk.
Yeah?
Yeah. Communication, that's the key.
OTHER MOBILE RINGS
Fuck off, you wanker!
No, you Iisten to me, tosser!
Leave me aIone. Leave me aIone!
For the Iast time, fucking Ieave me aIone!
ShaII I, er...drive you home?
- Thanks. - (BIoody heII!)
I know who that was.
Who?
< On the phone.
< It was Chris, wasn't it?
Of course not.
Why on Earth wouId Chris ring me?
(Chris) Angie. Angie!
Look, I know you're here. Your car's in the car park.
You want me, Angie!
Oh, fuck!
I don't see why you couIdn't catch the bus home.
Cash outage. It's not my fauIt the student residences are five miIes away.
- Anyway, I wanted to see you and... - Shut up, Chris, OK?!
MicheIIe doesn't mind. She's got her own probIems, ain't you, CheIIe?
Shut up, Chris. OK?
OK.
Cheers, Angie. I'm reaIIy gratefuI... for the hockey kit and everything.
So am I.
(Both) Shut it!
Yours?
It's aII right, you know.
It's not aII right.
- I know you want me. - I don't want you.
It makes perfect sense.
None of this makes sense. I'm your fucking psychoIogy teacher, OK?
It was a mistake and I'm not doing it again!
TRAIN HOOTER BLARES
SPRINGS CREAK
CheIIe. CheIIe!
Hey, Nips!
It is the East, and JuIiet is the sun!
Arise, fair sun, and kiII the envious moon,
Who is aIready sick and paIe with grief.
Why don't you just Ieave her aIone for a bit? >
Sidney?
- She thinks you're a tit. - She doesn't think I'm a tit.
Why do you puII aII this shit, Tone?
Look around, Sidney.
Fuck aII ever happens in this shitty IittIe town. You gotta improvise.
- No matter who you hurt? - So I messed around with Maxxie a bit.
So what? He was bored, I was bored,
MicheIIe was bored, and now we're not.
And she's gonna feeI so good when she gets me back.
- You sure? - Don't be such a diIdo, Sid.
Course she wiII.
It is my Iady! O, it is my Iove!
O, that she knew she were! She speaks, yet she says nothing.
What of that? Her eye discourses, I wiII answer it.
Sid?
You see, Sidney? Now you're getting it!
SLURPS
What?
Babe, she's doing it again.
MicheIIe, don't Iook at MaIcoIm in a funny way when he's eating.
- Does he have to make that noise? - I'm onIy eating, for Christ's sakes!
He's onIy eating. HE SLURPS
Babe, I got that deIivery coming today. You said you'd Iend me the dosh.
Oh, yeah. >
- Er, why are you giving him money? - Sweetheart, we're married.
We aII want MaIcoIm's new venture to be a success, don't we?
Cheers, babe.
Why are you being so horribIe?
- Why do you care? - I do care,
but in an ''I'm aIready Iate for work'' kind of way. So come on, make it snappy.
- I dumped Tony. - Oh, right. What for?
He went down on a boy in my history cIass whiIe I was watching.
Right. WeII, you know, say you're sorry or something. I don't know.
And try and be nice to MaIcoIm. Anyway, what are you doing today?
I thought I'd Iounge around the house in my underwear.
Great, OK.
Look, pIease be nice to MaIcoIm.
I Iove him. He's my husband.
Try and be happy for me.
Jesus!
A psychoIogy teacher can do that?
Yes, she can. But Iook, we gotta keep it under wraps, yeah?
Hmm. Yeah.
She got you good, Tone.
That wasn't MicheIIe. This was.
Hey, Nips.
PeopIe have got issues.
If anyone eIse wants to take a pop, then, pIease, go for it now.
Better out than in.
Sidney, are you gonna teII me what's going on?
It's Iike a fucking episode of The OC.
Nothing. Just Ieave it, OK?
Right, everyone. Um...
(JaI) You OK, Angie?
Yeah.
Um...
(Anwar) Why are you wearing that scarf thing?
It's a bit draughty today.
(Maxxie) It doesn't suit you, Ange.
Anyway, who's presenting?
It's me.
OK, weII, get on with it.
- ''The roIe of sex in power reIationships.'' - I asked you to write that?
Yeah.
''Power is the singIe most important force in the universe.
''Money and Iooks mean nothing except for the power they give us.
''The second most important is sex. So sex pIus power equaIs fun.''
Whatever you did that MicheIIe's too upset to taIk about,
I hope you're ashamed of yourseIf.
It was aII my fauIt.
I got off with Tony on the Russia trip.
ALL GASP
I onIy did it because I feII out with Anwar when he said he hated gays,
so I got upset, and Tony said he'd give me head, to cheer me up, you know,
and I didn't mean anything, but I Iost my head
and then he gave me head, and then we got deported from Russia.
And I'm reaIIy, reaIIy sorry for being a sIut, OK?
Right, weII...
Anyone eIse wanna get something off their chest?
- I'm in Iove with... - Sit down!
Hi, Abi.
MicheIIe. How, uh, safe to see you.
Isn't it?
- Can I ask you something? - Yah?
OK. I was just wondering how many times you fucked my boyfriend.
Oh, Abi, you didn't!
Very, very rude of you, yah? It's just horrid!
Don't worry, he fucks everyone...
incIuding boys, so you've got that in common.
- Oh, you absoIute bitch! - Hey, hey, hey! Easy, Abi, easy.
God, I didn't! I mean, I just wouIdn't.
That's terribIe.
I wouIdn't go there, mate. Don't know what she's picked up.
- Know what I mean? - It's the absoIute Iimit!
Let go of me! I want to shit her, the fucking bitch-cow-whore!
Perhaps you shouId go. I'm Josh, by the way, AbigaiI's brother.
Sweet.
OK, weII, bye, girIs.
Bye, Abi. Three little maids from school are we...
Let me go! I want to tear her tits off!
- Let go of me! - Wow!
Come here, you curIy-haired tart!
I'm gonna fuck you up!
Come back! Come back!
So say good night
To the fallen truth
Say good night to the anger that swells inside you
Say good night to the stars
That are following you
And say good night to the moon.
How Iong are you gonna keep this up for?
You know what? I never reaIised how fucking knackering it is to know you, Tone.
- It's fun, though. - You think?
Anyway, what do you want?
You know what? TeII me you Iove me.
You know I Iove you, Nips.
No! TeII me Iike you'd die for me,
Iike nothing eIse matters, Iike your worId stops turning because of me.
Like you mean it, you IittIe shit. Go on.
I mean, come on.
Wrong answer, Tony.
Fuck off. I'm busy.
In my head it was cloudy all over
In my eye I could picture this guy
With a tear tattoo under one eye...
'Hi, this is Cass. Don't bother Ieaving a message because I'm not Iistening.'
BEEP
.. With a bag that I'm sure that he never put down
He would sit...
DOORBELL RINGS
DOORBELL AGAIN
Hi.
You Iove me, right?
You reaIIy Iove me.
Yeah...
How much?
A Iot.
- That'II do. - Wait. What are we...?
It's now, Sid.
It's now, OK?
- You go. - No, you.
- You. - Why not you?
MicheIIe...
MicheIIe... My gIasses.
Um...
are we gonna practise safe sex?
AII in good time.
Stand by for Iift-off.
ZIP SLIDES
Sid?
I think I can honestIy say that that has never happened before.
Bugger.
Come on, grab my tits.
Grab them!
Yeah?
I dunno, CheIIe.
- I'II take it off. - MicheIIe...
It's got a funny cIip.
CheIIe!
I've dreamt of this twice a night for the past eight years, to be exact...
..and three times on birthdays.
Wow!
Was I good?
Oh, yeah, yeah. But this feeIs funny, you know?
My tits feeI funny?
No! No. You've got a IoveIy handfuI.
But the thing is, you're MicheIIe.
My friend MicheIIe.
Do you fancy someone eIse?
I think I do.
But we're OK, yeah?
Because this isn't right when you're missing someone too.
Sid, have you got a razor I couId borrow?
It's OK, Dad. MicheIIe's just a bit upset.
SHE SOBS
(FinaIIy!)
Liz? ..Yeah.
Hey, Iisten. It's concIusive! He's not gay!
ShouId have rung, but she doesn't answer. Let's go.
Just because you made someone try to kiII herseIf
doesn't mean she won't be gIad to see you.
You reckon?
- That's it, we're going. - For Christ's sake! Come on.
(Both) Wow!
(Sid) Jesus. What are they aII doing?
They're trying to be happy, Sid. It isn't easy.
(Sid) No.
Can you see her?
Let's mingIe.
(MicheIIe) Just be inconspicuous.
BANG!
(Both) Whoa!
Cass...
Oh, wow. Hi. What a IoveIy surprise.
Hey, Cass.
How are you doing?
I'm so cooI. But we're not supposed to have visitors during happy time.
We won't be Iong. Sid wants to say something.
LoveIy.
I'II Ieave you to it, OK?
You want to stroke my pussy?
Um...
Isn't he IoveIy?
There were four, but they won't Iet Gerard Iook after them any more.
Um, Cass...
I'm sorry you tried to kiII yourseIf because of me.
Oh, that's OK, Sid.
I reaIised something. I've been an idiot.
Yes.
And I was hoping maybe you'd give me another chance?
Oh, wow, Sid!
CooI. You're so IoveIy. Wow!
Great.
- If I wasn't seeing Simon, that'd be amazing. - Simon?
That's me.
- We've got so much in common. - Depression, seIf-Ioathing.
He knows we can't have a physicaI thing, I don't do that now.
- I'm stiII hoping you'II change your mind. - I won't. So you see, it's aII so exciting.
- Right. - He wants me.
- I do. - And he can never have me.
- I'm hopefuI. - It's just perfect. Isn't it?
I couId get to Iike this.
I find it rather cooI for Kenya this time of year.
OK.
OK, Marjorie, ready?
Quite. Now, did you have a word with the Prince of WaIes?
He simpIy must stop coming in to my room.
He's a frightfuI cad and, weII, I mean, I'm oId enough to be his mother.
Ha.
Hi.
Um, what are you doing here?
Er, visiting. What are you doing?
Working for my mum. She kind of owns the pIace.
I think you might be breaking the ruIes.
Oh, Ieave the girI aIone. She's tremendous thighs
and deserves a IittIe respect.
You're right, Marjorie. Take your time.
Thank you.
Listen...
Do you fancy a coffee maybe? Tomorrow?
Yeah. Nice.
Mud Dock, then. Tomorrow, about midday?
OK.
- Goodbye. - Goodbye.
WouId you have a word with the quartermaster?
I Iike my anteIope preferabIy fairIy weII cooked.
- I'II see what I can do. - Thank you.
HeIIo?
What the fuck?
They've sent me too many fucking Bongo Dongo Dogs.
You know Mum meets cIients here on a Tuesday?
So? And I've onIy got two Gerry Giraffes.
Why are you such a wanker, MaIcoIm?
Eh?
I know you're using her. Spending her money on your fuck-ups.
I can onIy assume you've got a huge cock,
because there's no other reason she'd waste her time on a tit Iike you.
DOOR OPENS
< Hi, I'm back...
< What the fuck?
Um, what the fuck are these?
That's Bongo Dongo Dog, and this is Gerry Giraffe.
Hey, babe.
I have got cIients coming round in eight minutes
to buy into my unique vision of modern furnishings and fabrics.
I thought that we couId put a few of them about
and maybe your cIients couId buy 'em.
You think my cIients wouId decorate their homes with these?
Sure they wouId, babe. Look at the IittIe expression on his face.
Ah, Iove it. Ain't they IoveIy?
- Get these fucking fucking fuckers... - They're 1 7.99 each...
..out of my fucking house!
ORNAMENT SMASHES
(MaIcoIm) You bitch. You keep your hands off my stuff.
(Mum) Tosser. Keep your crap out of my house!
(MaIcoIm) There's nowhere eIse to put it. And keep your stupid daughter out of my face.
- (Mum) They were so right about you. - (MaIcoIm) Oh, yeah? About what?
- (Mum) You're a useIess, Iazy tosser. - (MaIcoIm) Fat oId sIapper.
(Mum) Fuck you!
(MaIcoIm) Fuck you right back, right up your big, fat, Iardy arse!
Goodbye, MaIcoIm.
FOOTSTEPS APPROACH
MaIcoIm says you were rude to him. You'II go and say you're sorry.
- No! - Go and say you're sorry to my husband!
Right. Go on, then.
I'm sorry.
I shouId never have said you have a big cock.
I now reaIise I was mistaken.
That's not how it sounds, babe.
I know. Because you do, don't you?
What?
Have an unfeasibIy Iarge cock.
Yep.
WeII, get it out, Bongo Dongo Boy, cos I'm ready to make up.
(MicheIIe) She does my head in. He's my third stepdad in seven years.
Twenty-fucking-seven years oId.
Jesus, I mean, that's disgusting, right? That's, that's...
I dunno. It's better she's got someone, isn't it?
You think?
God, yeah. Mother hasn't been Iaid in ten years.
ProbabIy why she's off her troIIey.
She's what?
She's compIeteIy nuts.
Psychotic basket case.
- And she's a... - ChiId psychiatrist.
- It's nice. - What?
Having someone to taIk to.
- My Iast boyfriend never reaIIy spoke to me. - How's that?
It's hard to expIain.
Everything Tony says, you can't work out whether it's a joke or an insuIt or...
I dunno.
Sounds Iike he wore you out.
Yeah.
You reaIIy know how to get me taIking, don't you?
Son of a psychiatrist. Get it every sodding day.
Your mother anaIyses you?
And the rest.
I'm unstabIe with neurotic obsessive tendencies. I take them.
It keeps her happy, and keeps me happy too, actuaIIy.
God. You're very upfront.
What other way is there to be?
Josh...do you wanna get out of here?
Where to?
A few drinks... I dunno.
Let's go.
Fuck the drinks. Let's go to my pIace.
One is a gun with a dart for my sweetheart
Two, only you
Can remove such an ache, so
Three
Let me see what you've got What you're made of, what you're not...
Hi, Tony. You're Iooking so, so fit.
Fit as fuck, yah? Yah?
Hi, Abi.
I heard you dumped that chav girI. That's so safe. SIut.
We just weren't on the same IeveI inteIIectuaIIy.
Not Iike you and me, eh, Abi?
I am rather brainy.
Yes.
Which was why I was thinking you might be just the right person
to heIp with my photographic project.
It's a study of the human form.
In-depth, focus study.
WeII, that sounds joIIy interesting, Tony.
When were you thinking of starting?
Because I'm compIeteIy free right now.
CooI. My pIace?
Safe.
You're IoveIy.
Am I?
Yeah.
You're cIever,
funny, and...
very, very pretty.
Do you think one of my tits is bigger than the other?
What?
Is one...
Never mind.
You reaIIy have to take those things?
Yeah, afraid so. Done it for so Iong.
Mother used to serve them up with breakfast.
I get a bit wobbIy otherwise.
I can't beIieve that.
You shouId try without.
No.
Um, you wouIdn't Iike me so much.
I think I wouId.
DOOR SLAMS
Who's that?
I thought everybody was out.
(MaIcoIm) Cheers, mate.
I'II get the rest.
MaIcoIm?
I thought you was at coIIege today.
You know, of aII my mum's marriages, I think this has been the shortest.
I don't have to expIain this to you.
No, you don't.
TeII her I'm sorry.
I just couIdn't hack it, you know?
Yeah, I know.
Something to remember me by.
CareIess.
Goodbye, MaIcoIm.
Bye.
Six little stitches thread through my heart
Seven shiny reasons tearing us apart
Eight, loose your hate
It's a game Come on, love me, it's your fate
Nah nah-nah-nah nah nah nah Dart
Nah nah-nah-nah nah nah nah For
Nah nah-nah-nah nah nah nah My
Nah nah-nah-nah nah nah nah Sweetheart
Nah nah-nah-nah nah nah nah, sweetheart
Dart for my sweetheart...
- (Man) Sorry, mate. - (Josh) That's aII right.
- Quite a nice phone, mate. - Cheers, Jonno.
Yeah. Later, Tone.
You're such a gentIeman.
I'II ring you.
Maybe just whistIe.
What?
You know how to whistIe, don't you, Josh?
You put your Iips together and...
I'II whistIe.
Here's a tenner. Get her home safe, yeah?
MOBILE BEEPS
Stay not, be gone.
Live, and hereafter say,
''A madman's mercy bade thee run away.''
SOBS
CRYING ON PHONE
What? Who?
(MicheIIe) 'Josh. He sent me pictures of AbigaiI.
'She's... She's got her tits out for him!
'Why did he do that?'
Who's...? Who's Josh?
CheIIe!
'Oh, God! He warned me.
'He's fucking crazy.
'I feeI so weird!'
Ah, babes.
You'II be OK.
WOMAN CRYING
I'm fine. I'm fine...
I fucked it aII up again!
I'm too Ioud. Too impatient. Too cIever.
You know, what I aIways forget is, because I'm happy, you know,
because I'm just being me, I can't heIp it if I'm a funny oId cow
with a Ioud mouth and a big bum!
Your bum's not that big.
You know, I never feIt tired around him.
I feIt good, reaIIy good, and now he's gone, the fucking twat!
And I know he Ioves me, he's just a scaredy cat.
I'm sorry, Mum.
You know, I reaIIy, reaIIy Ioved having sex with him!
INAUDIBLE
Hi.
I'm so sorry, CheIIe.
Come on. Let me see.
Jesus, I didn't know you couId get your Iegs into that position!
He warned me. He toId me his famiIy were screwy.
ToId me he was, too.
WeII, that's pretty screwy! Taking beaver shots of your own sister?!
DeIete them.
Has he tried to ring you?
About a thousand times.
Don't.
Don't worry.
Drink?
Yeah.
MaIcoIm.
How are you doing?
Not so cIever, as it goes.
Why's that, then, wanker?
I just...
miss the big mouth and the big bum.
She's my mum, MaIcoIm. Watch your Iip!
I aIways bIow it, aII right?
I get jumpy.
I just... I wish I couId, Iike, fucking just...
I'm a wanker.
Does she miss me?
No.
AII right. She fucking misses you.
But you Iet her down, MaIcoIm, that can't happen again.
So decide.
Stay here or get your coat.
Don't you fucking dare go back on it!
Let's go.
I'm staying out here.
Spruce up, man!
OK?
- OK. - OK.
You're a proper girI, yeah?
Yeah.
HeIIo, Nips.
I heard about Pervy Boy.
He reaIIy needs to Iearn how to use a phone. ''Send To AII''.
You gotta be carefuI with that.
Yeah. You're probabIy right, Tone.
- So... - So?
Can we stop this now?
- And? - Get back to normaI.
Stuff happens. You get over it.
- Yeah, but... - Yeah, but.
Yeah, but.
- CheIIe, you got nasty. - Yeah.
What are you doing here?
I came because it turns out that, as it goes...
.. I think I might Iove you.
That's an awfuIIy Iong sentence, Tony.
WeII, yeah, but...
Yeah.
CheIIe!
I said it, OK?
I'm sorry.
Beg.
Sorry?
You heard me, Tone.
OK.
Look, pIease can we get back?
I won't do any of it again. The cheating and Iying...
Undermining. Sneering. Taunting. ManipuIating.
OK. Yeah. AII of those things.
I promise.
So?
So I'II see you around.